Understanding the “Why” Behind Your Child’s Behavior

As parents, it can feel overwhelming when your child’s behavior seems big, confusing, or constant. Meltdowns over shoes. Running away during transitions. Arguing over homework. These moments can leave you asking, “Why are they doing this?”

It’s important to note that behavior is never random—it’s communication. Just like the sky changes from sunny to stormy, children’s behaviors shift with their needs, environment, and emotions. If we pause and “read the weather,” we can meet their needs and guide them toward brighter skies.

The 4 Functions of Behavior & Cool Tools

Function of Behavior	What It Means	Cool Tools & Supports
Access	Child wants something (toy, snack, activity).	- Offer structured choices (“We can have grapes or apple slices.”)  - Use a visual schedule to show when they’ll get it.  - Teach “First, Then” language (“First homework, then playground.”).
Escape / Avoid	Child is trying to get away from something hard, scary, or uncomfortable.	- Break tasks into small steps.  - Use sensory-friendly adjustments (tagless clothing, noise-reducing headphones).  - Offer safe spaces for breaks (cool down corner, area with reduced sensory input).
Attention	Child is seeking connection from you or others.	- Give short bursts of focused attention before challenging times.  - Use positive praise (“I love how you’re waiting patiently.”).  - Schedule special one-on-one time daily, even 5 minutes.
Sensory Regulation	Child is meeting a sensory need or avoiding overstimulation.	- Offer heavy work (carrying groceries, pushing laundry basket).  - Build in movement breaks (jumping jacks, swinging, animal walks).  - Provide sensory tools (noise-reducing headphones, weighted blanket, fidget tools, calming music).

Why This Matters for Parents

• When we view behavior as communication, we stop labeling it as “bad” and start asking:

• What is my child trying to tell me?

• What need are they trying to meet?

• How can I help them meet that need in a safe, healthy way?

This mindset shift doesn’t just help your child—it helps you. It reduces the power struggles, increases trust, and turns challenges into chances for connection.

Moment of Devotion

"The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out." – Proverbs 20:5

When your child’s behavior feels overwhelming—when the meltdowns are loud, the refusals are firm, and the energy is endless—it’s easy to focus only on the surface. But God reminds us that a person’s heart holds deep waters, meaning there is always more going on than we can see.

Just like we can’t judge the ocean by its waves alone, we can’t judge our child’s needs only by their actions. Behind every behavior is a longing: for safety, for connection, for understanding. Parents are called to be gentle divers, using patience and wisdom to draw out what’s beneath the surface.

Your role is not to fix every storm immediately, but to be a safe harbor where your child can land. You don’t have to have all the answers—you just need to be willing to see beyond the behavior to the heart.

Say this prayer when you are approaching the next storm:

“Dear Lord,

Thank You for trusting me with the gift of my child. When I feel worn out or unsure how to respond, remind me that You see their heart even more clearly than I do. Give me patience when I am rushed, gentleness when I am frustrated, and wisdom when I feel lost. Help me to see beyond my child’s behavior to the deeper needs You are calling me to meet. Teach me to love like You love—steadfast, understanding, and full of grace.

Amen.”