From Reacting to Responding: The Size of The Problem Program

Children experience the world with big feelings, but they are still learning how to understand and manage those emotions. Often, a small challenge—like losing a pencil or being told “not right now”—can trigger a reaction that feels much bigger than the situation itself. This is not misbehavior; it is a sign that a child’s emotional regulation and problem-solving skills are still developing.

The “Size of the Problem” framework is a simple, evidence-based approach that helps children learn to pause, identify the challenge they are facing, and respond in a way that matches the situation. By sorting problems into small, medium, and big, children gain a concrete way to understand abstract emotional experiences and practice choosing appropriate coping strategies

When children learn to match the size of their reaction to the size of the problem, they build essential skills in emotional awareness, self-regulation, and flexible thinking—skills that support learning, relationships, and overall well-being

What Is the “Size of the Problem” Concept?

The “Size of the Problem” strategy teaches children to categorize challenges into three levels:

• Small problems

• Medium problems

• Big problems

  
  

Once children identify the size of the problem, they are guided to choose a matching reaction and solution. This supports emotional regulation by helping children pause, reflect, and respond more thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively.

Research shows that children who can accurately identify emotions and apply coping strategies demonstrate improved self-regulation, social competence, and executive functioning skills (Denham et al., 2012; Blair & Raver, 2015).

Why Teaching Problem Size Matters

When children misjudge the size of a problem, they may:

• Overreact to minor challenges

• Shut down or escalate emotionally

• Struggle with peer relationships

• Have difficulty solving problems independently

  
  

Teaching problem size helps children:

• Develop emotional awareness

• Practice cognitive flexibility

• Strengthen problem-solving and perspective-taking

• Reduce emotional escalation and stress

  
  

These skills are foundational to self-regulation and are strongly linked to long-term academic and social success (CASEL, 2020; Zelazo & Carlson, 2012).

The Three Sizes of Problems Explained

Small problems are problems that are annoying or inconvenient but can usually be solved quickly and safely by the child.

Examples:

• Someone bumps into you by accident

• You lose a crayon

• You don’t like what’s for lunch

  
  

Expected Response:

• Stay calm or mildly frustrated

• Use simple coping strategies

• Solve independently or move on

  
  

Helpful Strategies:

• Take a deep breath

• Ask for help politely

• Use positive self-talk (“I can handle this”)

  
  

Teaching children that small problems need small reactions supports emotional control and resilience (Gross, 2015).

Medium problems are problems that feel more challenging and may require adult support but are not dangerous.

Examples:

• A disagreement with a friend

• Feeling left out during a game

• Difficulty completing a task

  
  

Expected Response:

• Notice stronger feelings (sad, frustrated, worried)

• Ask for help appropriately

• Use coping strategies and problem-solving steps

  
  

Helpful Strategies:

• Use cool-down tools (breathing, movement, sensory breaks)

• Talk through solutions with a trusted adult

• Practice compromise or repair

  
  

These strategies align with cognitive-behavioral approaches that help children connect thoughts, feelings, and actions (Kendall, 2012).

Big problems are problems that are unsafe, overwhelming, or require immediate adult intervention.

Examples:

• Someone is hurt

• A fire or emergency

• Feeling unsafe or terrified

  
  

Expected Response:

• Get adult help right away

• Use safety protocols

• Strong emotions are expected and valid

  
  

Helpful Strategies:

• Tell a trusted adult immediately

• Follow safety plans

• Comfort and emotional support

  
  

Validating emotional responses during big problems is essential, as emotional safety supports regulation and recovery (Porges, 2011).

Teaching Children to Match the Reaction to the Problem

A key part of this framework is helping children understand that all feelings are valid, but not all reactions are helpful in every situation. Visual supports, role-playing, and real-life practice help children internalize this skill.

Effective teaching strategies include:

• Using visual charts or thermometers

• Practicing scenarios during calm moments

• Modeling appropriate reactions

• Reflecting after emotional moments (“Was that a small, medium, or big problem?”)

  
  

Consistent practice strengthens neural pathways related to self-regulation and executive functioning (Blair & Raver, 2015).

Supporting Problem Solving Through Regulation

Children cannot problem-solve effectively when they are emotionally dysregulated. Teaching the size of the problem helps children:

1. Pause

2. Identify the problem

3. Regulate emotions

4. Choose an effective solution

   
   

This sequence mirrors evidence-based self-regulation models and supports long-term emotional growth (Zelazo & Carlson, 2012).

A Moment of Devotion

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”— Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)

God invites us to respond to life with humility, gentleness, and patience—especially in moments of frustration. When children are learning to understand the size of their problems, they are also learning an important spiritual truth: not every challenge requires the same reaction.

Helping a child pause, assess, and respond with wisdom mirrors the biblical call to self-control and discernment. Just as God meets us with grace in both small struggles and big storms, we can teach children that they are not alone in their feelings—and that calm, loving responses help bring peace to their hearts and relationships.

“Dear Lord, thank You for entrusting us with the hearts of our children. Help us guide them with patience and wisdom as they learn to navigate big feelings and everyday challenges. Give us calm spirits so we may model gentle responses, and remind our children that You are always near—ready to help in both small moments and big needs. Amen.”

References

Blair, C., & Raver, C. C. (2015). School readiness and self-regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology, 66, 711–731.

CASEL. (2020). What is SEL? Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning.

Denham, S. A., Bassett, H. H., & Wyatt, T. (2012). The socialization of emotional competence. Handbook of Socialization, 590–613.

Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26.

Kendall, P. C. (2012). Cognitive behavioral therapy with children and adolescents. Guilford Press.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. Norton.

Zelazo, P. D., & Carlson, S. M. (2012). Hot and cool executive function in childhood and adolescence. Child Development Perspectives, 6(4), 354–360.